Things feel like they are moving at a whirlwind pace. Husband left today to make his way to Raleigh so he can wake up at the crack of dawn to take the BAR. It seems unreal that tomorrow is the day and that the BAR is finally here. People make no mistake about voicing how difficult BAR prep is, and thankfully not once in the million and one times that someone has asked where Husband has been this summer and I’ve responded that he’s studying for the BAR have they required me to explain or not given me a sorrowful glance and sometimes even a hug. It’s refreshing to know that someone understands my pain, even if its only in a sense that they’ve heard it’s hard from someone else. I know that sounds a little selfish, but so many tend to offer prayers and support for the suffering law student, as they definitely should, but its easy to forget the spouses, girlfriends or family trying to be a rock and biggest fan for their hero. Today I felt the first sigh of relief that in two short days I will get Husband and hopefully my life back. I know I don’t share that relief alone, whether it be the other students trying to fight back nerves threatening to shake them silly or their faithful companions sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear results that will shape their entire future. It’s amazing that so much pressure, so much emotion and so much life is rolled into 12 essays and 200 multiple choice questions.
Last night I hardly slept a wink. I have so much anxiety my mind was racing against itself for hours and hours until I finally dozed off in the wee hours of the morning. I’m anxious about the challenge of getting back to normal with Husband. We’ve become more than separate after this hard summer and outside of a loving touch and a routine kiss as we leave in the morning, my heart aches for a few moments of intimacy with him again. I just want to be able to look into his eyes, pick his brain, and feel his love with a never ending deadline. I’m also nervous about the daunting task of figuring out what to do with our unsold home and getting all of our stuff moved and myself settled enough to start work before the end of August. I’m anxious about learning where we will be spending the next two to three years of our lives, and about having to go through yet another few months of solitude while Husband is in training, not to mention the potential deployments. I know my feelings are raw right now, but I’m having a really hard time with knowing there is a possibility of having to be separated again and again and it makes me want to sedate him and steal him off to some private island for the rest of our lives.
On a positive note I started training for my new job today. What was supposed to be a two hour intro turned into diving head first into my assignment and working 7+ hours with my new team. When the day was over my brain was tired, and that was an awesome feeling. It means I actually got to use it. Time and time again today I got to think, be creative, and felt really challenged to do a great job. And the best part of all what that I got to write. Even if it was just about the latest Glitzy Pets tennis shoe or light powered Citizen watch, it was still a way to flex a muscle that has been sorely underused for a while.
I feel as though I’ve arrived at the brink, at the cliff of some great canyon of adventure and tonight I am teetering. I will be swaying in the wind until Wednesday night when I welcome Husband home with arms wide open and a job well done hug.
And then we’ll jump.