The day before we left Vegas I was wrapped up in an odd sort of emotions. We had known about this trip before Husband was even finished with training so we had been looking forward to it for a while, but it wasn’t until that day that I realized what kind of significance the trip had established in the back of my mind.
As I packed our bags it hit me that we were going back to South Dakota.
I know that sounds silly, but I realized that subconsciously I had expected life to get back to “normal” after this trip. We had gone to South Dakota, the Vegas trip had come and gone, and now things should be normal.
But they aren’t exactly.
I still wouldn’t see my friends and family for an indefinite time. I wouldn’t be coming back to a job. We would still be 1500 miles from home. And we would still have around two years here at Ellsworth.
I’m having to adjust to my “new normal”.
I didn’t necessarily NOT want to go back to Ellsworth. I also didn’t want to go back to Asheville. I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted, I just knew I had expected to move on to something else.
It was a very odd state to be in. Prior to the trip I was really looking forward to getting there because it felt like I would be getting back to civilization. Rapid City has everything you could need from Target to fancy downtown restaurants, but I can’t help but feel cut off from the world up here. Some days that’s a nice feeling. Others I would give anything to be surrounded in a crowd of people and fighting my way through a busy metropolis. It’s kind of like being on a permanent weekend relaxing getaway, except one of the good things about vacation sometimes is getting home and back to the grind, am I right?
There isn’t a lot of excitement here. It’s ok most of the time as we are pretty laid back people. But I have to admit I didn’t realize just how much I love a wild night out every now and then, or the heart pumping thrill of a city that’s alive and furiously filling each second with something new, or even the simple convenience of being just a couple hour’s drive from another metro.
I miss the beach. I miss our lake house. I miss having a job and the sense of purpose it gave me. I miss Sunday dinners with our family. I miss weekend bashes with our friends. I miss the smell and feel of Asheville.
I love growing so close to Husband and for once in our lives having unlimited time together. I love the life that we have created here, and the fact that it does actually feel like home.
But I think I’m still floundering. Still trying to figure out what I’m doing here. My days are full and busy and exhausting even though I’m not working, but there isn’t a general purpose I’m working towards. I’m realizing I need that purpose. It’s part of what makes me, me. The drive, the ambition, the creative juices that flow when I’m excited about what I’m doing.
As I left the airport I went to pick up the dogs and drove towards the base. Pulling onto the familiar streets and stepping into our house it felt surprisingly good to be home.
We spent Sunday afternoon sprucing up our front walk with new flowers and plants, putting together an herb garden that now hangs so beautifully from our back deck, and then ended the week in our most favorite way, with a hearty meal and a movie.
I may not know what our purpose is here, or more specifically what my purpose is here, but I do believe this time and circumstance was meant to bring us back together. To make up for all the time apart. To allow us to see what “home” really is.
Seeing the evening sun light up your husband’s face as you work together to make your home beautiful. Little moments in the kitchen softened by an unexpected hug or kiss that still makes your heart pitter patter. Smiling and laughing at things that only have significance to the two people revolving in your little world.
Home is definitely where the heart is.