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Hidden Self

I really hope there are some of you out there that can relate to what I’m about to post.

I have a hidden self.

You know in the Sex and the City movie (I think it was in #2) when Charlotte admits to sitting for hours in front of the mirror picking at her face, a practice she stopped when she met her husband?  I have developed a list of things I do when I’m by myself or when I know Husband isn’t watching.  I know he wouldn’t care.  He might give me a look or make a snide joking comment, but all and all he would still love me in spite of these things.  But catching myself in the middle of trying to pretend I was doing something more constructive with my time it dawned on me that I’ve apparently got some issues.  And the unfortunate part about it is the fact that it really has nothing to do with Husband’s judgement of my actions, but everything to do with the person I want him to see me as to be.

I sneak bites of unhealthy food and then shove the food back into the fridge when I hear him coming down the stairs, mad at myself because 10 times out of 10 I wasn’t hungry, it just looked good and I wanted to eat it.  (I’m exploring this whole act as I read through Women Food and God)

I click off of Facebook and grab my book when I know he’s about to walk into the bedroom because I don’t want to hear the whole “you’ve got a sickness” rant again and feel guilty for wasting hours scrolling through the same status updates I’ve read 5 times over thinking something new and really interesting will pop up.  And just what IS so interesting about other people’s live anyway?!

I, like Charlotte, will sit on the cold marble counter of our bathroom picking away at my face even when there’s nothing to pick.  He knows when I’m doing this (even if he can’t see me) and yells at me from the bedroom to stop.

Bad habits.  Guilt ridden emotions.  Disappointment in myself.  So very disciplined Husband and myself really struggling to try to adopt some of that discipline.

In a way I feel like I’m just too hard on myself.  I mean if I’ve done nothing but eat veggies and fruit all day, and I want some darn macaroni then I should just eat the darn macaroni already right?  The problem with me and that thinking is, because I am not so disciplined or at least not on a consistent basis, that thinking becomes a very slippery slope that I generally glide down head first.

I know the guilt is because I expect better of myself.  It’s also because I know he wouldn’t succumb to the stupid temptation of it all.  It makes me feel weak and as a result disappointed in my inability to be strong and rational.

I’m not sure where I planned to end up with this post.  Another bad habit I have is telling on myself when I’ve done something stupid or wrong because for some reason it seems to ease the guilt I feel.  I guess I am just groping, hoping to hear someone say “I totally understand.”

Can anyone out there relate???

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