Dear Little One, I’m Sorry

Dear Little One, tonight I lost the last shred of patience I had, and instead of appreciating your amazing two year old spirit so kindly showcasing your outstanding drumming skills, I begged, pleaded, and finally all but yelled at you to leave the room so I could tend to your fussy newborn sister who was refusing to nurse and couldn’t get settled for bed. 

I wish that was the only moment tonight I’m sorry for. 

Earlier, while I bounced and walked your new sister around to try to console her, while also trying to get dinner started, inwardly pleading for your father to get home from work, you said you needed me, and you wanted on the counter so you could participate in preparing dinner. I hardly listened to you because all my ears could hear was your whining, and all I could think about was how much my back hurt and how badly I needed a break and a hot bath. 

Your Papa did come home. He tried to love on me and bring a smile to my face, but I was too exhausted to repay him with much more than a semi-smirk, and although thankful that he could still find me attractive in my disheveled state, I secretly wished his gropes were just a long hard embrace that I could melt into for a few minutes. 

He kindly got you into your pjs, made you laugh hysterically and made sure you said your prayers while I listened to the muffled narration of your bedtime routine through the wall between your room and the nursery. 

And now I’m sitting down to eat what’s left of my now cold dinner, trying to finish the conversation your father and I have started three separate times now due to the interruption of your sister needing more attention, and you are doing anything but sleeping. In fact you are playing with one of your noise maker musical instruments and turning your bedroom lights on and off. 

My face is a hard set scowl by this time of the night, but inside I am chuckling at your playfulness. I’m also kicking myself with guilt and regret that I’ve let another nighttime pass filled with my strained voice and hard attitude toward you when really you need understanding and just want some of the attention back you had to forfeit against your will when your sister came along.

This is another in a string of nights that makes me feel like a failure at this motherhood thing because all I want is for you to be happy, yet I feel insufficiently equipped with enough hands and patience to make that so. When I went in to give you a good night kiss, I looked deeply into your soft and indiscernibly colored eyes praying you could see just how much I love you, and then I told you how much just in case you didn’t catch it. It still doesn’t feel like I expressed it enough now. 

One day I hope all you will remember is how hard I tried and how loved you were. I hope you will forgive me for my shortcomings, and know God’s grace covers many of the mistakes I am making along the way in your little life. I hope you will understand what a blessing you are to me, how thankful I am that God trusted your father and I with two of his angels to raise here on earth, and that we don’t take that lightly. I hope that you will see through my harsh words and firm tone, and know that anything and everything I do is because I love you and want the best I can give for you. I hope you never let sourpusses like myself stifle your beautiful soul. I hope as you lay your little head on your pillow tonight you feel my love wrapped around you like the warmest blanket. 

I’m sorry my little one that you have to endure the growing pains of my journey through motherhood, and I thank you that you never seem to hold them against me. 

I look forward to tomorrow’s fresh start. I may fall short again, but we’ll come through this together, weaving a beautiful tapestry of our mother and child relationship – one of my most prized treasures in this world. Sleep tight little angel, and know Mama loves you!