A Reluctant Return

We are headed to Charlotte this weekend. The main attraction is a twice annual yard sale we have participated in for the past…I don’t even remember how many years. Also amongst our “to-do’s” is checking on our poor little house.  Just thinking about our house sparks the oddest emotions for me. I really loved that house.  I felt so proud the day I signed the contract and accepted the keys. I waited with baited breathe for Husband to arrive home from his stint in New York, so excited for him to move in and to be in our first official home together. We made it ours…and now we have let it go.

I’m not quite sure how to explain this feeling of being done. I feel very done with Charlotte and done with our little house. The day we left, after spending a week rigorously moving and cleaning, I mopped my way out of the living room and started shedding tears as I glanced back at the life we were leaving behind. I wouldn’t even necessarily say it was a good life. I wish the burden of trying to sell the house was cushioned by knowing that we had accumulated a wealth of good memories that made it all worth it. But quite frankly, we didn’t. Our life there was filled with stress and lack of time and lack of each other that all in all made it very hard. We tried our best to seek out little pleasures like Sunday strolls to the coffee shop down the road and Friday night happy hour and movie dates, but after being here and understanding what really living is like, it all just seems like a facade.

I really don’t want to return to our house. I feel like I had closure when we left and was fully ready to move on. The thought of seeing it empty again, of watching the dogs excitement build as we pull into the neighborhood, feeling the abandonment we bestowed upon it, well, I’m pretty scared it’s just going to break my heart.

And I’m not exactly sure why.

I wasn’t sad about our move and I’m most certainly not sad about our future. The best way I can put it, is that I just want to know that our first home is taken care of, and day after day we keep waiting for that person to come along. To allow us to no longer think of our house as a burden but rather as a sweet memory of our first few years together. One that we can think of fondly and then put away in the light of our new adventures.

A few days ago I wrote about lacking requests in my prayers. My main request, the same one that has been and continues to be present in every single prayer that leaves my lips, please please let our house sell and let us venture into this new era without this burden. I know so many people are struggling with this in this terrible economy. I feel it with all the heaviness in my heart for all of us just trying to move on. I pray that one day we will all be able to focus our energies on something more fruitful than the housing and job markets.

I just received note that we have a showing tomorrow. Fingers crossed, prayers lifted and hopes high that something comes of this one.